Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Timex and Tampax should get together and invent something to let guys know its her time of the month.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:18 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon Girl's facebook status: I'm done with this sh!t.. Me: Did you wipe?
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:20 by Baddie Comments (0)  


   messageicon My boss reminds me of a caged bird. He comes out flapping and squawking, sh*ts on everything and leaves.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:24 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon A guy with a gun enters a bar. "Who the f*ck had sex with my wife?" he snarled. A voice was heard in the background, "You don't have enough bullets!"
←Rate | 06-05-2012 14:26 by Marshall the Great Comments (1)  


   messageicon The second Pop-Tart exists solely to hammer home the self-loathing initiated by the first Pop-Tart.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 15:15 by SuthernFukr Comments (0)  


   messageicon When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
←Rate | 06-05-2012 15:45 by SEAN Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best way to make a long story short is to tell it on Twitter.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 15:46 by Marshall the Great Comments (0)  


   messageicon trying to act happy when no money falls out of your bday card! :(
←Rate | 06-05-2012 16:03 by natedogg Comments (0)  


   messageicon only dead fish go with the flow!
←Rate | 06-05-2012 16:08 by natedogg Comments (0)  


   messageicon if you cant afford to go on vacation,u can always drink until you dont know where you are
←Rate | 06-05-2012 16:10 by natedogg Comments (0)  


   messageicon just read 1 in 5 people pee in the swimming pool...WTF, thats what the hot tub is for...
←Rate | 06-05-2012 17:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Someone at work said something very funny today so I walked over to their desk, gave them a sharp poke in the ribs and said "LIKE".
←Rate | 06-05-2012 17:53 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Endless Love: Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 18:31 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I just went out and witnessed the transit of venus.. Now I have no retinas...
←Rate | 06-05-2012 19:00 by timboss Comments (0)  


   messageicon Shoved my cat in the garbage disposal and accidentally wrote the new Skrillex album.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 19:36 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon I refuse to join your birthday calendar cult!
←Rate | 06-05-2012 19:37 by @funky_monkey Comments (0)  


   messageicon Not saying I'm in dire need of affection but the next girl I date better be an octopus on ecstacy.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 21:11 by Doc Noland Comments (0)  


   messageicon Contrary to what the facebook status box says, please do NOT "let it all out".
←Rate | 06-05-2012 21:33 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Kids today will never know the pain of the Dewey Decimal system and how to catalog library books on index cards.
←Rate | 06-05-2012 22:07 by BEGO Comments (0)  




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