Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cows are a bit like Jesus, the only difference is they turn grass into milk.

   Three Muslims walked into a bar. I thought "Screw this" and left instantly.

   Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength.

   I just ate empanadas and listened to old Menudo records. I'm pretty sure that makes me more Puerto Rican than Jennifer Lopez now.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.

   Facebook seems like the best place to come out of the closet. If it doesn't go over well you can just say you were hacked.

   "Hold me." -Grudges

   Which dwarf is Kristen Stewart playing in this new Snow White movie? Her face makes me think it's Sleepy.

   Got these new jeans made by children in a sweat shop. A friend asked, "Ed Hardys?" "No, Fed Hardlys".

   The heavyset woman walked with pace, clutching her purse, seemingly unaware that she was invisible to society. Muggers included.

   I mean, I held a door open for a guy once, but everybody experiments in college.

   It's hard to trust someone who starts each sentence with "to be honest".

   •Keep the smile. •Leave the tear. •Think of joy. •Forget the fear. •Hold the laugh. •Leave the pain. •Be joyous till i. post again!.

   Iron Man is a superhero. Iron woman is a command.

   Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.

   I own a shop selling 'CLOSED' signs. We haven't had a single customer.

   Ever wake up to an alarm and hit the alarm clock and the sound doesn't shut off...so you keep smacking it and just before you throw it against the wall you realize that it is your phone? That was me yesterday...

   .When the doctor said that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks, I actually saw a tear roll down the palm of my hand

   Just treated my nostrils to a Brazilian!!

   Some people should use glue stick for lip balm.