Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I have become addicted to interventions. Good luck with that one, friends and family!

   I bet guys named Matt who take yoga classes get picked on a lot.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

   Facebook has become the girlfriend you no longer like but are scared to dump because you've invested so much time in the relationship.

   If there wasn't such thing as a last minute I'd never get anything done.

   The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.

   Whenever you feel like a genius, remember there was a time in your life when you were learning to not crap your pants.

   My girlfriend was admitted to the hospital last night. She's in the Expensive Care Unit.

   Considering renting out my services to people who need awkward situations made awkwarder.

   Why the outrage over Romney's misspelling of "America?" For gosh sake, his parents didn't know how to spell "Matt."

   I would like my Tombstone to read, "He was too Cheap to buy extra lett

   No, go ahead. Have a conversation under my status update with someone that has nothing to do with my status update. I wanted to unfriend some people today anyway and it till make my decision that much easier on who to get rid of.

   Unless you've figured out how to air condition your yard, don't invite me to your June or July outdoor weddings.

   Judging by how The Hulk speaks, he reacted badly to grammar rays as well.

   So......Snooki announced she's having a baby boy. Phew! That was close

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is frighteningly serious.

   Say what you want about the south but nobody retires and moves up north

   "Obese roll models" joke was done just 2 pages ago, does no one check before they copy and paste others twitter jokes anymore? Just rude....

   I can't believe so many "singles in your area are dying to meet" me. It's probably all of the I-pads I've won.

   The effects that bath salts have been having give a whole new meaning to "Calgon · Take Me Away!"