Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before I get into the shower at the gym I yell "Hey Fag!" If any one turns around I leave.

   Women are like steaks. They should be a little thick,really juicy and eaten at least once a week

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"

   When push comes to shove, when the going gets tough, when all hell breaks loose and the sh*t hits the fan, and when all else has failed, it is I who will recite old movie quotes while waiting for somebody to do something useful.

   Fortunately women have the miraculous ability to change the meaning of their actions after the event.

   I'm an Axe murderer. I'll murder anyone wearing or purchasing Axe body spray.

   If I were a bathroom tile salesmen,my pitch would be:"Think how great this will look in the background of your social network pics..."

   Does anyone else feel that the only reason to drink coffee is so you are awake enough to go shopping at the liquor store or is it just me?

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.

   Guy walks into a bookshop ....... ''Do you have the new book out for men with short pen!s's? cant remember the title'' ''Im not sure if its in yet'' ''Thats the one, i'll take a copy

   Justin Bieber charged w/ battering a photographer. Chris Brown & F. Mayweather said they would've handled it for him, but it wasn't a woman.

   Don't underestimate me, That's my family's job.

   If your parents are cannibals, the "got your nose" game is deadly serious.

   Best 6 word combination in the history of mankind: Chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches.

   You ever let one loose and it was too late? I just farted and didnt see the midget standing next to me.....

   A camp fire is alot like masterbation. As long as you have wood you can keep yourself entertained. But when its gone the fun is over.

   The Scarecrow didn't have the brains, Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion didn't have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

   B!tch, You're a booty call, stop putting your relationship status as "it's complicated."

   Facebook going green? Because I'm seeing a lot of people reusing the quotes.