Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just stared in horror at the contents of my son's diaper & asked him why he's doing this to our family.

   Came home to find my gf lying on the bed in crotchless panties. "Hey Baby", she says. "Would you like some of this?" "Hell no!!" , is my reply. "Look what it did to your underwear!!!"

   Since I've never been married I like to refer my Wife Beater simply as a Peter Beater instead.

   PLEASE,, Let's have a moment of silence for all those who have ever been stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles..

   Don't get fooled by the free toilet paper app., My phone is ruined now

   A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down, unless that medicine is insulin.

   I bet in hell you have to sleep in a hot bedroom with a pillow that never has a cool side.

   "Dr. Oz" sounds like the guy you'd buy shrooms from in community college.

   going to have some explaining to do if I ever accept my new GF's friend request...

   Sometimes, I say weird things during intercourse, like "I love you" and/or "Please look directly into the camera and say you have agreed to this."

   a woman's mid section is called a waist because there's clearly room for 2 more breasts...

   Try this: Get in a elevator with a bunch of strangers make sure you'r closest to the door,then turn and say, "I'm sure you'r all wondering why I gathered you here."

   My girl says she doesn't want me j@rking off in the shower anymore. I told her its my d!ck and I'll wash it as fast as I want to.

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   Here's to the women who love me terribly, May they soon improve.

   I'm pretty sure the way my brother just depicted Oprah in Draw Something should be considered nothing short of a hate crime.

   Well, I've been watching this show for years and in still waiting for these guys to bust the myth about 'Once you go black, you never go back'

   Have you ever seen the Cookie Monsters feet? No. thats diabetes for you.

   seriously thinking about opening a midget strip club with a midget stripper pole and all

   What the f needed cutting so urgently that people were running with scissors in the first place?