Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Penguins mate once and stay together for life. All those failed relationships you had? Penguins are kicking your ass.

   Nothing makes you look younger than an old photo.

   The number one rule in life "stay in your own lane "and there won't be any accidents.

   :Men, we all know the real reason there's always one missing sock. Shame. That's why.

   My grandma fell on the floor, And it ended up being longer than 5 seconds,,, so we're gonna have to let her go.

   Like if you ever had High School friends hook you up that worked at fast food places.

   Powered off the smart phone felt like I was having a heart attack...

   The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more.

   Word of the day: Exhaustipated. Just too tired to give a sh!!t.

   When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   I'm already sick of writing this book I'm thinking of writing.

   The Men's Warehouse guy is going to die of lung cancer. I guarantee it.

   just had an AMAZING salad at McDonalds. The toppings I chose were 4 big macs & 10 chicken mcnuggets with 9 sweet & sour packs as dressing.

   If these walls could talk, I'd probably stop hanging things with nails.

   If I had a time machine I'd stop OJ from killing those ppl & then nobody would ever know what a Kardashian is.

   It's tough to control a fear of abandonment issue when your therapist doesn't show up for your appointment.

   Wow, there you are all hot and everything; then you post a pic of you with your kids...1 and 3 years old. Negate!

   So facebook is now making Poke suggestions. And it could be anything on your friends list. God knows I've always wanted to f**k the s**t out of McDonald's.

   You think you can preach??? I just convinced a Pentecostal woman to put on pants.

   The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved