Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear God...thank you for all the good times you brought me this spring. Especially for that waitress in Myrtle Beach. You remember her....she kept screaming your name. :)

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   Dear cellphone companies: please please , invent a "unsend text" option

   I ShlT you not, Someone just asked me to be a standup comedian for their kid's graduation party.

   I went to Wal-Mart to buy shampoo. Spent $150 and forgot the shampoo

   Dear ugly people: Stop playing hard to get, you're already hard to want

   it's very important to exercise as we get older. my uncle started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. today he's 90 and we haven't a sweet jesus clue where he is.

   I have a telescope in the peep hole of my door, so I can see who's at my door for 2 miles…..who is it???? Who's it gonna be when you get here….:)

   ...I'm begining to think my Amish friend isn't going to text me.

   HEY,,,Being a teenager is hard, you guys.... Especially when you're 45..

   I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making a healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

   Honestly,,,,, I love every single some of you.......

   How do homeless people always seem to get the shopping cart that has all four good wheels?

   To those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when daddy buys them the wrong colour Mercedes. SHUT UP! I ride a bike!

   Welcome to Facebook, where relationships are perfect, liars believe their own lies & the world shows off they are living a great life.

   BESTFRIEND: the one you can get mad at only for a short period because you have important stuff to tell them. 

   Do you like me? Breathe for yes, lick your elbow for no.

   I was at the pool earlier and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   Epic failure on my cooking tonight, even the dog took one bite and licked his ass afterwards to get the taste out of his mouth.

   Like Granny G says, keep it in your pants