Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "girls will be boys" - Thai tourism board

   I will stop drinking when a mute guy tells a deaf guy that a blind guy saw a legless guy walk on water. Get the hint?

   I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

   Today, we celebrate to all the chicks that said "leave it in"

   I text my Ex yesterday and she didn't text back..Obviously she passed out of excitement!

   I hate when cashiers ask "Is that everything?" Uh no B$tch, I'd also like all this invisible sh$t...

   99% of girls are hot. The other 1% go to my school.

   You were all the elite sperm in an ejaculation. So, please, do not doubt yourselves - you are awesome!

   Happy Mamacita's Day to all the Senoritas who played for keeps

   mama gettin a lil out of control with this mothers day thing , she want me to rub her feet.

   thats weird?! all my mom wanted was cool whip for mothers day.

   Bought my wife bagels this morning so she dont have to cook breakfast...Happy Mother s day:)

   "Parkinson's" is a way better name than what it was first called in the 70's - "Involuntary Boogie Party".

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me

   Use yes and no once. 1) Are you gay?:_____ 2) Are you lying?:_____

   Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

   I'm sorry I jumped on you, from a distance you looked like a conclusion.

   Imagine yourself watching Storage Wars or Auction Hunters on TV thinking to yourself that stuff looks familiar then saying oh wait that's my sh/t !!

   The world would be a much better place if everyone just did what I told them to do and stopped asking so many stupid questions.

   "Jacuzzi" - a Swedish word that loosely translates to "sweating underwater".......