Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The fact that the voice in my head yells whenever I read something thats in all capital letter kinda DISTURBS ME.

   Its so cold outside this black lady told me "you gonna freeze to deaf". Now I know why they wear toboggans all the time.

   Never "hood-slide" like Bo Duke on a hot summer day wearing cut-off jean shorts....

   My biggest fear is that FB will rat on on me and post "So&So is listening to Hall and Oats on IHeart Radio".

   Justin Bieber's perfume smells like Bubble gum and shame

   just ordered a steak and they asked if I wanted it cooked rare, medium or tanning mom

   If ur Cinco de mayo didnt end wearing a pirate costume bein chased down the street by Dog The Bounty Hunter, then yours wasnt as fun as mine

   BUNGEE JUMPING - $25 per person. @$$holes get in FREE! No strings attached.

   keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?

   If you're water-skiing in the desert and you blow a tire, how many pizzas does it take to shingle a doghouse?

   If I could reason with religious people, there would be no religious people.

   It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

   I washed my hands of OCD...... Again.

   My brother Bob gets mad when someone spells his name backward... I think he inherited that from mom. Or maybe dad.

   Come on guys, lets be honest, gays only want to be married for tax breaks. They don't believe in God or anything Christian so that is the only reason. Don't lie to yourself or others.

   Statistically speaking, roughy 118% of all people over-exaggerate.

   Being a virgin these days is something to be proud of; you're like a unicorn.

   Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

   The worst = telling an awesome story and realizing halfway through that you should not be telling it to that person.

   Rock bottom = Putting saved Taco Bell hot sauce packets on food that is not from Taco Bell.