Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   middle east tensions? not worried here I survived the 80's....red dawn russian invasion,stray cats rocking towns inside out,and the Gap Band dropped a bomb on me!!!

   Whenever people start getting too close to me I talk into my watch as I hold eye contact with them.

   What a beautiful day outside!!! (According to TV.)

   I have never bothered to check if Google actually has results on the second page.

   My psychic told me I will soon be ripped off by someone I trust. Knowing that was well worth the $500 she charges me.

   If I could turn back time, I'd find a way to undo Cher.

   If she falls asleep when you're in the mood for sex, consider it snoreplay.

   can never tell gay and straight people apart. They all look the same to me.

   I took my dog over the park and played frisbee with him. He was useless, must get a flatter dog.

   Its funny how some people can talk crap behind your back and then act like they got your back when they see you.

   Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.

   Just saw a t-shirt that said "It's not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean" which translated to "Hey, I've got a small pen!s and a stupid shirt."

   believes every road in the world is under construction right now!

   who cares if someone is bi, straight or gay- does it affect your life at all? Mind your own biz and live your life, not someone elses

   Money means nothing to me. If you don't believe me, just ask me for money. You'll get nothing.

   If I ever go missing, put my picture on a bourbon bottle; no one I know drinks milk.

   Can't wait till I'm old and I can play the 'fall asleep' card in awkward situations

   Well it's here again..Belly Button week on FB, post a pic of your belly button as your profile...remember, no matter if it's an "inny" or an "outie", lint is welcomed!!

   We live in a world that says The "Walk of Shame" is after having sex, but walking out of a bathroom after dropping the ultimate stink bomb is a prestigious accomplishment.

   The Nutley Mom from NJ turned 50 shades of tan !!!!!!!!