Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This post is so good you will read it twice, this post is so good you just read it twice.

   I break out into so many random, and quite frankly, brillant dance moves in my kitchen I'm shocked I'm not StepUp-famous.

   Vidal Sassoon is mourned by all the suicide blonde's who DYED at their own hands.

   If Adele spent more time on her relationships than eating non-stop at Golden Corral we wouldn't have to listen to her whiney ass songs.

   My wife says I look tough with my headphones on...she doesnt need to know I am listening to Annie

   how do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? Put him on a stage with Tigers!!!

   was talking to the group of cute nurses after work and I told them I have a new SUV. One of them said, "What about the rain forest or the ice glaciers?" I said, "It has 4 wheel drive - we can go anywhere!"

   The places where I think up the best jokes are usually in the shower and while driving... It must have something to do with being naked.

   Vidal Sassoon, he was head and shoulders above the rest....

   WANTED: A single girl who can cook, love and has a good Job. Must have a house and a car. Please send me pictures of your HOUSE and CAR.

   This girl I know asked her plastic surgeon to put jewels in with her fake boobs so she can have a treasure chest.

   The inventor of the Hokey Pokey died today. Trying to get him in the coffin was a nightmare... They put the left leg in....................

   The police knocked on my door last night and said my dog had chased someone on a bike... I called Bullcr*p..... My dog doesn't have a bike..

   Tonight on TV. there's a documentary about white trash.... I only saw the trailer..

   Dear mom,, I hear babies rip your hoo hoo monster and turn it purple... Hope this card makes up for that.

   Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don't make the rules people.

   Safety glasses? On this jobsite, we squint for safety!!

   Time to re-boot, these ones are worn right through the sole.

   Gay and Lesbo have sudenly become cool words since they are now "officially" endorsed by the President

   Hey, I just met you, and this crazy, but here is my dumbell so spot me maybe??!!