Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ME: Monday ƪ(´~`")∫ Tuesday (-____-)"" Wednesday (⌣́_⌣̀) Thursday Ҩ( > ̯ < )Ҩ Friday (ˆ⌣ˆ)ง Saturday ~('▽'~) (~'▽')~ Sunday (˘ʃ_ƪ˘)

   Free the mind and the ass will follow

   Sometimes we must destroy something in order to rebuild it stronger, which is why drinking and liver regeneration are part of my regime.

   I always though a "Super Moon" was a regular moon but with a little nut sack showing.

   I forgot what cinco de mayo was about. It was when a ship full of mayonnaise sunk off the mexican coast right?

   I just bought my daughter an iPad, my son an iPod, myself an iPhone...and the wife an iRon. She wasn't impressed even after I explained it can be integrated with the iWash, iCook and iClean network. This sadly triggered the iNag service, which in turn wip

   Can't wait for the Super Moon tonight, I wonder what color it's cape is?

   Had to fix something on my car and asked my mom to bring me the philips. She came back in less that 4 minutes with some Philips Milk of Magnesia. Some serious confusion has set in

   Fat girls be sounding good on the phone ....

   Hey Jack In The Crack...I ordered an Ulitimate Burger not an Ultimate Mustard!

   I can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   Can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   Kentucky knows three things better then anyone else. Horses, Basketball, and Fried Chicken.

   In-laws - Can't stand them, can't kill them, can't get rid of them. . .

   I watched my first anal porn scene the other day... Wow, I just can't get over how skinny I looked back then !!

   This guy in line at store had breath so bad his teeth turned sideways just to let it out.

   Nothing sums up the proud Mexican spirit like drunk blonde girls, in sombreros, chanting "Patron."

   I'm pretty sure my dying wish would be to stop dying.

   Whenever I see someone type "ROFL", I can't help but to think of Scooby Doo trying to say "waffle".

   Nothing sums up the proud Mexican spirit on their Independence Day like drunk college girls in sombreros screaming for more Patron!