Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if William Shatner takes a crap, does he call it a "captain's log"?

   Are my kids spoiled?...Well lets see..when I was 6 I wanted play doh for my birthday, my kid has asked for play-station

   I bet crackheads totally misinterpreted the "can you smell what 'The Rock' is cooking, saying.

   Walmart has announced that all normal looking people will now have to pay admission to enter the store

   Jessica Simpson had her baby. Apparently, Kanye busted into the delivery room and said Beyonce had the best baby of all time.

   when I grew up, no one chased their dogs to pick up their crap, we waited until it turned to white powder and disappeared

   Can officially include rescue operations on my resume after I saved a bug from a spider web

   Tulisa, sexiest woman in the world? I wouldn't even have her down as the sexiest woman in N-Dubz.

   fake freckles and pigtails doesnt necessarily make a 40 year old "barely legal"

   Those kids who cant find the Totino pizza rolls in the empty freezer, then leave the phone in the freezer deserve to starve to death

   Mr Wilson should of just filed for a restraining order against Dennis the Menace..problem solved

   Going to the homeless shelter today...not really sure if I want to adopt one unless they assure me that its housebroken.

   Dear Algebra, stop asking us to find your X, she's not coming back.

   I started drying my hands with a wall mounted hand dryer back in 1998 and I think they're almost dry.

   I never figured "HECK" is a combination of Hell and Fcuuk.

   Jessica Simpson has already taught her daughter everything she knows.

   throwing fertilizer at people who need to grow up

   To the guy next to me at the rest-area urinal...The fact that you still have your sunglasses on kinda creeps me out.

   Suicide is never the answer. Unless the question is, "What should Justin Bieber's next career move be?"

   My drug dealer cracks me up.