Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.

   What came first, internet porn or "clear all search history"?

   Getting Old- These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

   Just once I'd like to hear Obama say "Niga Please"

   OMG! Debbie needs building supplies in Farmville and Josh played MOON on Words with Friends, OMG! OMG! OMG!

   FOL- Fart out Loud.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states,"....The other state is ALWAYS Kentucky..

   CREDULOUS FUNFACT: This May is the first month in 422 years to contain SIX Saturdays.

   As a father to 2 sons & a grandfather to 2 grandsons,, I often find myself torn between.. "Don't ever do that again" and " Ahh,Good one!"

   "It's not you, it's me" - me, explaining "awesome"

   Hooray! Hooray! The first of May! Outdoor sex begins today!

   1990: I like big butts and I can not lie! 2005: Booty, booty, booty, booty- rockin everywhere! 2011: Ass, ass, ass, ass, ass, ass!

   My ideal job would be getting paid by a sassy black woman to back up all her statements with "mmmhmm!" And "Hooooo Damn! Girl!"

   ...Be enhanced by your strengths, not inhibited by your struggles...(",)

   the amount of times ones mother enters the room whilst one is watching a movie is equally proportional to the amount of times that a "s*x scene" appears in the movie, and so it seems!

   S-International Sarcasm Society "Like we need your support"

   I'm not ready to adopt a highway, but a dead end street feels familiar and manageable.

   When I say, "That's interesting", don't assume it is, or that you are right or that I even I agree with you; most likely it means I am not really listening...

   Face it. Tomboys are the sexiest damn girls you'll EVER see.

   has forgotten which sock goes on which foot