Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That annoying moment when your juice box refuses to lose it's virginity

   Hey Girls,,, When a guy says "I'm listening",, what he means is "I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he'd be unstoppable".

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

   She's trained right when you roll up to pump fuel, and she jumps out to clean the windows.

   YOu know she's trained right IF when you roll up to the pump.....she jumps out and then pays for the gas

   What I do when I'm hungry: ( ) get up and get food (x) moan like a dying whale until someone feeds me

   The term "good girl" becomes irrelevant if she is hanging out after 2AM.

   Just because I don't tell anyone, doesn't mean that problems doesn't exist in my life.

   There are always two ways to look at things. I prefer to look at them my way.

   Sometimes love is like having one too many drinks....you feel so good that you don't notice you're making a fool of yourself.

   I've missed a lot of exciting adventures because I had enough money to get into trouble, but not enough to hire a good lawyer.

   MATH = Mental Abuse To Humans

   Every time I break up with a Japanese girl I have to drop the bomb twice before they get the message.

   My girlfreind says I'm an idiot who can't do anything right. So I packed her bags and left.

   Based on my wardrobe, dog hair is my favorite color:)

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has to clean the bathroom at Taco Bell.

   My son just did something so terrible in his diaper that it has shaken my belief in God

   I have a confession to make to all the rappers out there: I waved my hands in the air and I cared a little bit.

   Time for you children of the 80s to feel old. Sheena Easton turns 53 yesterday. Think about that while you are on the morning train.

   I think we'd all be a lot cooler with dying if the five stages were denial, anger, bargaining, pop-locking, acceptance.