Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Gals, if you take a shower with your boyfriend, by the time you get out, your boobs will be sparkling clean.

   You know sex is on the menu when she slingshots her bra across the room.

   As a Truck Driver, let me say after several days of mid 90 degree temps, beaver season is in full swing.

   Keep me in mind. Somewhere down the road you might get lonely.

   Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have 5 fingers And the middle one's for YOU.,

   Hey,,,,Can any of you people possibly recommend 30 or 40 books on hoarding?

   I'm no architect,,, but I DON'T think it's possible to build a city on rock and roll.

   Did you know ?? If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.... Medical fact.

   A woman is like a wine: the less classy, the more you can see its box

   when someone says "no offense".. prepare to be offended

   ‎"Entertainment News" is a strange way to spell gossip.

   so....I've decided I'm going to write the first Gangsta Rap adaptation of Winnie-The-Pooh....I'm gonna call it 'Tigga Please'....

   I saw my massivly fat neighbor girl waddling out to her smart car with a few of her hefty friends, I guess the cows were going to a mooooovie or something.

   Ever find out your wiper wash is empty AFTER you have smeared bug guts all over your windshield?

   My karma punch card is going to be full after today:)

   ahh yes the 7-11 Big Gulp. How much soda can one person drink???? If I ever get one again I will make sure the bed of my truck is cleaned out and I have a hand dolly to wheel it out of the store..............

   How do they fit so many islands into such a small bottle of dressing??!!

   Geese just call them bumps.

   I sometimes think of Siri as my wife on account of her voice & how she's always misinterpreting what I'm actually f'ing saying.

   If your parents, your boss, and three of your friends invite you to a party at a clinic its a trap