Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Went outside before without my iPhone & Twitter. Panicked. Didn't know what to do. Ran in circles. Tired now. Need a juice box.

   I speak 4 languages, English, profanity, sarcasm & real sh!t

   Women should have labels on their foreheads saying, ‘Government Health Warning: women can seriously damage your brains, current account, confidence, and good standing among your friends'.

   I'm gonna start driving my car on bike paths, it's only fair.

   If you're going to slow down on the freeway whenever you see a cop, try not having the "I have a heroin condom in my butt" look on your face

   Guys, If you suck on a fat girls t!tty for more than 10 seconds, you will get type 2 diabetes. Fact

   Guy next to me ordered a vodka cranberry "light on the vodka". I had to go to another bar, I cannot be around someone who acts like that.

   I miss 1999. Ya know, when we all used to do it for the Nookie...

   hvng n nxpctd vwl mvmnt aiaueeeoeoee...

   Awww.... It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

   Pamela Anderson bankrupt. Owes IRS over $500,000! Says she'll repay once she's back on her feet. IRN doesn't know when she last saw her feet

   If someone does not appreciate your presence, give them a taste of your absence and see how they like it.

   hoping that Kevin Love Rudy Gay and Ramon Sessions end up in a picture side by side in full uniform. three words....GAY LOVE SESSIONS

   Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Gays are from UrAnus

   I don't drink; it dulls the drugs.

   God must love stupid people- he made so many!

   TGIF- Thank God I'm female.

   Your child may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.

   Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

   Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.