Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.

   Ben Franklin started the first Colonial printing press using hemp paper, I'm not saying he smoked it, a lot of sober guys fly kites in a thunderstorm.

   Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

   To the idiot below me, you may be right saying Franklin never flew a kite, because that's a myth. However, there is no myth about a nephew... dumb ass.

   Just found out that the girl from the Blind Melon video grew up to be Jonah Hill.

   If you want to Learn How to Save & Budget Your Money Ask A Republican Or A Drug Dealer!!!

   It's pronounced; Doo-mas...

   FINALLYYYY got a chance to sit down today... Too bad I'm still at work and the place I'm sitting is on the toilet : /

   FACT: Every woman got a girlfriend that they don't trust around their man.

   When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change...

   I wish I could trade my heart for another liver.. So I could drink more and care less

   Drinking till I'm Someone else's Problem.

   Dear Catholic Church, the rhythm method is fine,,, but what about something for us white guys?

   The US is ranked 25th in math scores...this isn't any surprise to me, our elected leaders can't even ballance a budget.

   Be England what she will,with all her faults she's my country still. Remember that you are an Englishman, and have consequently won first prize in the lottery of life. HAPPY ST GEORGE's DAY

   Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for v@gin@.

   Here we go... Very good... You're doing a great job of reading this post... Just passed the middle... Nearly there... Wonderful job... All done... And like it!

   "Frosted Mini Wheats" are my absolute FAVORITE breakfast cereal made from scrap wicker furniture.

   The first five days after the weekend are always the toughest.

   This sexy bird looked at my beer belly and said "Is that carlsberg or tetleys? " I replied" "theres a tap underneath love if you wanna taste it!"