Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know something is seriously wrong, when you double the value of your car every time you fill up the tank.

   Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.

   If I had a penny for every time you made me feel worthless; I'd be worth something by now.

   Women are only terrible at parking because we're constantly being lied to about what 9 inches is

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.

   not saying my ex was dumb, but she poured the Frosted Flakes on the dining room table because she thought it was a tiger puzzle...

   You can lead a fool to wisdom, but you can't make him think.

   Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it

   Every girl is capable of murder so be careful before you hurt her :)

   We need a homosexual, aetheist President with the economic and foreign affairs views of Ron Paul.

   I hate it when I'm trying to kill a spider but then I lose track of it and I become a victim in my own home.......

   I thought that the show title 'World's Dumbest' on TruTV was referring to its featured failing comedians.

   .Bullying Support Group meeting, tonight at 8pm. You'd better f@#king be there.

   ...when the food you like doesn't like you. All these years to acquire a taste for the food I used to hate, now hates me.

   I love watching Justin Bieber; it's like toddlers in tiara's mixed with Vh1's behind the music except live. Can't wait till we get to the drug addiction part.

   Head banging to rock music doesn't have the same effect when your bald. Ask me how I know this.

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions

   I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.

   Ladies, Admit it. Sometimes you look down at your own boobs and think "Wow, this is Awesome!"