Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

   I wonder if the Def Lepard version of Rock Band will come with only one drum stick?...what...too soon?

   I often carry a knife round in my pocket, when on days out with the family in the summer. Just in case I see a wasp land on my wife's neck.

   My wife said to me, "Isn't it odd how on our keyboard the letters ORPN have been worn out?"

   Always be positive........except on a drug test........

   What if Tupac is alive and we are all holograms?

   What if no does mean yes? Just think how many spoons of sugar i've saved.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk

   the fact that you know what's on the first page, makes you just as sad. Wipe you're eye's mate.

   I don't know whether to like or hate Baddie. Dude can be so mean sometimes.

   My current cardio workout consists of taking a fistful of Exlax right after I see a "Next rest stop,, 25 miles" sign on the turnpike

   I thought texting whilr driving was hard,, until my nana told me about the time she got her typewriter caught in the steering wheel.

   Our dog actually figured out how to work the can opener... I'm not worried tho, because he still can't read & just keeps opening up creamed corn.

   My panic room is any public bathroom that has run out of toilet paper

   Loves getting the mail at 3:30 in the afternoon. If my postman were any lazier I'd say he was Puerto Rican

   happier than a retard with a sparkler

   all that gym work and Ive got the 6 pack abs....olutely nothing to show it!

   4/20? More like 1/5. Stupid stoners forgot to reduce their fractions.

   if I ever go missing, I want my photo on beer bottles instead of milk cartons because I want someone fun to find me."

   I wish I had the ability to see 5 seconds into the future so I could know whether to slam the door in someone's face or hold it for them based on whether they thank me or not."