Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   God made everything + everything is made in China = God is Chinese???

   Dick Clark is dead, secret service is out buying hookers, and Miley Cyrus is starring in a new movie called "LOL." The Mayans were right: 2012 is the end of the world.

   Dick Clark has passed, we cant ring in the new year, well played mayans, well played

   Did you know people are getting paid to mention products in their Facebook statuses?.....That's as crazy as the low low prices at Dave's Furniture Emporium

   Relax people, they made holograms of Tupac, Dick Clark can still appear on New Years Eve.

   My dad thinks LOL stands for "Lots Of Love" and texted me "Dick Clark just passed . LOL"

   This just in: The next upcoming New Years Rockin' Eve is to be hosted by a Hologram of Dick Clark.

   when told the reason for daylight saving time, the old indian man said:- only a white man would believe you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of the blanket and have a longer blanket.

   Save water, Shower with a friend.

   Nothing says "I've given up" like a fat person with a stomach tattoo.

   Actions don't speak louder than my grandmother asking me about my hemorrhoids in a crowded elevator.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   I've never approached even 10% of Aerosmith's level of excitement that a dude looks like a lady.

   I'm the first one to admit when I'm I'm wrong. I just never is.

   My smart phone has a lot of capabilities, but none as valuable as being able to pretend I'm on it when I run into someone I know in public.

   I'm putting a goal line around my house to keep Ryan Leaf from getting in.

   some guys are such sluts I wouldn't even poke them on Facebook.

   Found an old playboy from the 70's last night, I wonder why they didnt call it hair club for men...

   I just had to think to remember how to write a capital "P", so if anyone needs a tutor for their kid or anything, hit me up.

   You say "kiss ass," I say "rim job enthusiast."