Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My tweets are only motivational if your motive is to become an a$$hole.

   I like how the Ninja Turtles wear masks. Good way to hide your identity, it's not like you're a giant turtle or anything.

   how did this happen? ----> amish-online-dating.com

   Okay, Mitt Romney you are worth 250 million, I have $25.42 in my account. You asking for donations make me question if you really have a grasp on this economics thing you claim to know so much about.

   If you had a sad or lonely childhood you're gonna be REALLY depressed by Bank of America's options for a security question. Unless you remember the name of you're imaginary friend or pet rock.

   New rule: If you hold the door open for someone and then they just walk by without saying “thanks”, then you're granted one attempt at trying to trip them. >:)

   Patient ''Tell me if it hurts?'' Dentist ''No it wont. It will just bleed.

   Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat." muhahahahaaa.,

   No story that begins with "She had never drunk tequila before" ever has a happy ending

   Why are the people in herpes commercials happier than I normally am?

   I'm not a fan of that show 'the Voice'.. Call me old fashioned but I just don't think somebody who f*cked up the National Anthem in front of millions of people should judge anybody."

   It has been proven that girls whose profile pics were taken in a mirror or more likely to send you nudes

   Put your crash helmet on love, because you're going through the headboard.

   31% of women complain about everything while the other 69% complain about everything

   An expert has predicted computers will eventually replace paper altogether. He has obviously never tried to wipe his ass with a laptop!

   I don't know why I even bother having a iPhone anymore. It spends so much time on charge, you might as well call it a landline.

   When comforting someone who is illiterate, I always say softly, "There, their, they're."

   Ryan Seacrest has found the final horcrux.

   Seriously, get off the computer once in a while… smell the roses… volunteer… show your balls to a turtle…

   I haven't bought an iPhone with Siri yet because I have a fear of talking to women.