Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet Ke$ha could change her name to 'WhiteTra$ha' and no one would ever know the difference.

   Back in my day we went to the bathroom to use it, not take a picture of yourself...

   10% of car thieves are left handed. All polar bears are left handed. So there's a 10% chance that a polar bear took your car.

   The ‘L' in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F'.

   What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Patient.

   My wife complained the other day, "Why did God give women periods with cramp pains and men nothing?" I laughed and said, "Don't be silly honey, he gave us women."

   I was going to start taking self defence lessons but I decided on algebra instead. I heard there's safety in numbers

   n't it weird that the majority of people taking a sh!t in a public toilet conveniently have a permanent marker on them?

   Does anyone know where I can register to become a sex offender?

   My wife hit me in the face with a frying pan and yelled, "That's for all the cheating!" She has a weird way of apologizing.

   Rather than buy Instagram, it would have been nice if Facebook put that money into just 1 version of their app that ACTUALLY works.

   I slipped and fell on some ice last night, when I got up my wallet, keys and cell phone were gone....must have been black ice.

   When you accidentally like a stranger's picture as you scroll on your smart phone.#stalkerfail

   BREAKING NEWS: 200 DC Politicians were spotted at the air port headed to Cartenega, Colombia on a fact finding mission lead by Bill Clinton.

   It looks like you also lost a considerable amount of brain cells when you slipped and fell on that black ice you r@cist a$$hole!

   I'd love to ram a big black dild0 up John Terry's ass.

   Oh, you love your boyfriend? Please, go ahead and saturate my Facebook news feed with your feelings.

   Does anyone else on Twitter feel like they are being followed?

   My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral. Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

   Whenever I drop something edible I just call my dog over to clean it up.