Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You talk to God, you're religious. God talks to you, you're psychotic

   Please don't walk a mile in my shoes. Your feet probably smell and I don't want smell in my shoes.

   Anything with Friday in it can't be all bad. Now Monday the 13th, that's another story.

   If you own a bar near a hospital and it's not called Flatliners, what the hell is wrong with you?

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!

   What's the difference between "no!, no!, not my ass!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? Duct tape.

   Heard a girl just say that she "literally died". So she's either a zombie or too stupid to live. Either way, I threw a stapler at her.

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe, unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   Show me where it hurts and let me kiss it.

   ure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   North Korea's Rocket launch was a failure. Well, DUH!! They need to put the Coke in first, THEN the Mentos.

   It should be against the rules to post anything depressing on Facebook. Shout out to a deceased relative, ok. But no one cares if your goldfish is sick and you hate your life. I dont even care if my goldfish is sick.

   Safe sex back in my day was not getting caught.

   Tweakers tend to use Five Hour Energy's dirty cousin, Five Inch Line Energy.

   I'm trying to find a place inside your heart, but it's hard to start a fire without a spark. Can you work with me here!

   My wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath, I suppose I should wait until she gets out.

   I think the english language is declining... 1992: I like big butts and I cannot lie. 2006: Booty Booty Booty rockin' everywhere. 2011: ass ass ass ass ass ass.

   I heard in some places they bannned cigarettes from gas stations. That's a shame, I always smoke after I get f*cked.

   I almost sh!t myself when my friend told me that the government has access to a database that tells them everything about you, and even where you are on a daily basis. He said: It's called Facebook or something.

   I got fired from the quality control department at the mirror factory. They all looked perfect to me.