Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think people who challenge me at WORDS WITH FRIENDS are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.

   You should get out of any relationship where you secretly hope the other person is kidnapped and held for a ransom you can't pay.

   The human brain is amazing, It functions 24 hours a day from the time we were born, and only stops when we take exams.

   When I drive if you beep your horn .31 seconds after the light changes green I will shut off my car, lay on the hood & feed birds for an hour.

   When I say ‘it's a long story', it doesn't mean it's actually a long story. It means I just don't want to tell you.

   Did anyone else know that "Fes" from That 70's Shows' name stands for (F)oreign (E)xchange (S)tudent

   Trying to find a good time to tell my dog he is adopted...

   Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

   The only thing worse than girls going after the "Bad Boy" is today's perception of what a Bad Boy is.

   Coffee is nature's way of saying “Go ahead, get drunk on a weeknight, I got your back!”

   Dudes that are upset because instagram is now available on Android are prolly the same dudes who pees while sitting down.

   There's too many people out here who have the balls to state their opinion. But not enough balls to be that person who makes ish happen.

   •The biggest lie I tell myself is... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

   •Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.

   Best pick up line? Lets go eat. I'm paying!

   I love it when Facebook flirting turns into tearing each other's clothes off and passionate sex.

   There's no sex like the ‘we haven't had it for awhile' kind of sex.

   I sent that b!tch a smiley face. B!tches LOVE smiley faces

   Attention to all my lady Facebook friends; Posting pics of you and your men kissing and frolicking is one sure way to get deleted.

   When I wasn't looking someone grabbed my shopping cart on Amazon and replaced it with one with a squeaky wheel. Of course my stuff was gone, and this one was filled with a bunch of "Preperation H" and a couple of those blow up rubber dounuts.