Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   American Idol would be so much better if Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets were the judges.

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   Goals for this weekend: 1) get drunk 2) find Easter bunny & take Instagram pic of him 3) get drunk again 4) eat chocolate 5) refer to 1&3

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   Apple cobbler? Uh,, No thanks,,, If I ever want shoes made for my apples,, I'll buy them at the mall where they're cheaper,,, I'm NOT an idiot..

   The day after Easter should be known as Egg Salad Monday.

   The cool thing about Taco Bell's " 5 buck box " Is that if you time your eating right... As soon as your done, you can turn right around and use the box to make a Mexican " soft serve" in it......... I know,, what a green idea

   I know it's 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?

   No is the saddest experience you'll ever know..

   Two can be as bad as one It's the loneliest number since the number one

   she knows that some people never have to worry about hemorrhoirds, because they are perfect a**holes.

   Went to the playboy mansion today got a real BUNNY..!!

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen. I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   Of the seven deadly sins, I consider Dopey the worst.

   everybody knows the real good friday is in two weeks 4/20

   The amount of times I've had to say no to the Adobe Updater has totally prepared me to be a parent.

   Earlier today Donald Trump crashed his yacht into my yacht... We laughed & laughed,,,, & then we smoked some money

   You make me hold it for 250 miles, good luck on the last twenty feet A$$HOLE!-Bladder

   My status makes others look like tweets, my profile picture is a work of art, I am quite simply the most interesting man on Facebook

   When Jedi need to read PDFs, they use Adobe Wan Kenobi.