Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I worry my posts are too cerebrle... cerabrall... cerrebrel...

   My tourette syndrome in under control untill I have to deal with DUMB A$S! stupid people who lack basic MOTHER FUNK1NG! common sense. SH1T! B1TCH!

   You can meet 10 girls, mess with 9, talk to 8, laugh with 7, run behind 6, like 5, go out with 4, get used to 3, care about 2, but only love 1.

   ever had a nightmare so bad that when you wake up you feel like throwing a party to celebrate that it was only a dream.

   Ahem,,,,, Now As a recovering kleptomaniac,,,, I know how to take a joke.

   i bought my mother in law a tv and furniture for her birthday...you shouldve seen her face when rent a center came and picked it up...yup she hates me

   my blind son just said this to me "hear ya later"

   Why must you mock me humpday? We both know I'm not getting any. :p

   Why do all of the female college basketball players look like Katt Williams ?

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   kleptomania! But when it get's bad I take something for it.

   Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?

   "Ok just so I'm clear on this - this dog can bark for 11 hrs straight & only poops in other people's yards? I'll take it!" - my neighbor

   finally told Frasier what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs!

   These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....

   "Whatcha doin' ... Payin' bills? I'm just gonna lay on top of 'em, K? Oops, I knocked them all over. Let me shove my ass in your face." - The Cat

   Your name is something I could moan during sex.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?............ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm.

   Knock, knock. Honey, have you finished taking pictures of yourself for facebook? Daddy needs to take a sh!t.