Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm joking about 90% of the time & the other 10% is me being condescending.. Do I need to explain the difference to you?

   I bet all the girls from other planets think the Miss Universe contest is rigged.

   Don't bother flirting with a girl on fb who has no pics posted of herself. You'd be better off with your face buried in Randy Jackson's a$$ all night, than to go on a date with her.

   A teacher asks Johnny to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. He says, "My sisters sweater has 9 buttons but her boobs are so big, so can only fasten eight!"

   It was earth hour last night at 8:30. I turned everything off for an hour, couldn't see a damn thing...so I built a tire fire for some light. Still trying to put it out.

   Taking my Mother-in-Law swimming off the western coast of Australia

   Oh you don't like me? You should tell your 10 Twitter followers. That'll show me.

   Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.

   Maybe that's why Jada left Will...I think she knows Pac is comin' back

   Oh so your boyfriend cheated on you? But how is every other man on this planet responsible for it?

   If she high-five you after sex...marry her on the spot.

   People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.

   I'd imagine that muslim sex dolls blow themselves up.

   The only thing worse than the “FRIEND ZONE” is the "SHE-THINKS-YOU-ARE GAY-ZONE".

   Women should have an "I'm feeling lucky" button like Google has.

   I will always cut through a gas station parking lot to avoid a red light.

   You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."

   I've always wondered why they say count to 10 when you're angry, in that 10 seconds, I could knock them out and be calm

   Don't be selfish with your prayers.

   HER: Oh my god! I lost 2 kilograms! SMARTASS: Great, you finally took off your makeup!