Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Idiots who post pics of food or alcohol they are about to consume, stop it!!!

   Hey,, adorable couples who constantly profess your love for each other via my news feed,,, learn how to text.

   There is a person out there for everyone.... Your person just happens to be five cats

   I am coming mom, I am on Stalkbook, I mean Facebook.

   I won the lottery, then I woke up!

   I always cry at the end of Shawshank Redemption because Andy never finished carving that chess set.

   Oh you got your middle finger up in your profile pic? You mother must be really proud of a job well done raising you.

   Seen on a Deathstar bathroom wall: "For a good time, call Padme Amidala... Oops, too late."

   I know ..., I'm just like the rest of you. I completely misjudged 'Ice loves Coco'

   Ladies,, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine,,,, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

   Kiss her hello, kiss her goodbye, and kiss her for any other reason in between.

   So much for the saying, 3rd times a charm, I just checked my Mega Millions ticket for the 3rd time, and still nothing.

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   Money spent on shoes cannot buy booze.

   When I win the Mega Millions, I'm gonna spend it on cigars, booze, women & a new Harley. The rest I'll probably waste.

   ...I see no need to flaunt My individual sense of personal and social identity based on my attraction as a Heterosexual male..(",)

   "Pearl Jam" is my finishing move

   I now have a strong dislike for Illinois, Kansas, and Maryland. Maybe if we're lucky they cheated like on Willy Wonka!!!

   Went horseback riding today..Wind blowing my hair, it was a pretty good ride!! Until I ran out of quarters n the Walmart greeter kicked me out

   Cleavage is like the sun. You can look, but don't stare.. Unless you're wearing sunglasses.