Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.

   As far as Miss Universe Canada is concerned, it seems the "Miss" part of the competition has to start at birth...

   Saw a fat girl buying a rape whistle today. You gotta admire her optimism.

   Just overheard the guy in the next stall over whisper "get out of me" and then start to cry.... Lord, How I hate Turnpike rest stops.

   Think of a number 1 through 10. Double it, Subtract 1, add 20, multiply it by 5, add 2, divide by 2, close your eyes, dark, isn't it?

   remembers when pink slime was something seen on Nickelodeon

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   Had a mini anxiety attack wondering what the employees at the Weather Channel make small talk about.

   My wife doesn't believe in labels, which is probably why she drank all that bleach.

   When I'm old & my friends start dying off, I'll probably go the funerals, stand over the caskets, & whisper "I won."

   Just for fun, I like to take my 5yo to the Walmart pet aisle, and watch people's reactions when I make her try on dog collars..

   I got fired from my job at Walmart, because every time a woman bought batteries, I winked and told them "I know what these are for!" Whatever.

   To be or not to be? What a silly question Hamlet... Just let it be,, let it be... J. Macartney

   If you ignore a problem and it goes away, was it ever really a problem ?

   Battered women sounds taste, but it's just a bad idea.

   wheres my money trick : (╮°-°)╮┳━┳ (╯°□°)╯ ┻━┻ *flips table*

   I feel so threaten by the news anchors....Now that they all starting to where Hoodies to report the news.

   FYI: No, I'm not feeling violent.... I'm feeling creative with weapons

   Don't get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are.

   Twitter is where you find a hit man. Facebook, an alibi.