Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Call of Duty.. Helping Guys like me who don't play the game get laid since 2003."

   Due to the nice weather, local kids are setting up a lemonade stand on St. Paddy's Day....Jeez, haven't they even heard of green beer?!

   Facebook asks me what I'm thinking. Twitter asks me what I'm doing. 4square asks me where I am. Conclusion: the Internet is my girlfriend.

   Ok honey don't freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn't do the dishes.

   Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 332 words.

   just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

   Say no to drugs. Although, if you're talking to drugs, it may be too late.

   thinks Google Maps needs an "Avoid Ghetto" option.

   I guess it's time to find someone to grow old and miserable with.

   If I was a cave man. I'd be the one who hunts sloths. In my condition, those buggers are fast

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with copious amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that's the best medicine.

   Thinking about getting the new iPad 23 that comes out today, but might hold off to next Friday and get the iPad 24.

   Domino's is spending a lot of money to tell us that little pieces of bread with cheese on them is the greatest idea they've ever had.

   If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

   Went into a five-star hotel to use the bathroom and now it's a two-star hotel.

   8.Excuse me, miss, you've got a little bit of face on your makeup there...

   Poured down rain last night...I think instead of a fish fry sandwich today, I am going to have worm stew...that counts, right?

   Countries should have to declare thumb war before declaring actual war

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   Checking friendship to see if this person ever wished me a happy birthday. No. Screw them.