Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   there a law that says your socks have to match?

   My thoughts of you make me the perfect mixture of happy and horny.

   my dog is going off the rails on a gravy train...

   There's an evil intention behind every gallon of gas.

   Ignore me for five minutes and I'll ignore you for five months.

   Grant me the opiates to accept the things I cannot change, the stimulants to change the things I can + the mixture to know the difference.

   If I was a farmer I'd name one of my cows Jagger and run around singing "I've Got the Moos Like Jagger" and I'd be popular among farmers.

   Sometimes it's too hard to hate everyone all at once, so I hate people in shifts.

   hanging out with Waldo.......Try to find me!

   Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   I have SEXDAILY......I mean DYSLEXIA

   Roses are gray, Violets are gray, Crap. I'm a dog

   RANDOM FACT: Having eye contact for more than 6 seconds without looking away or blinking reveals a desire for either sex or murder.

   I went to a library & asked for a book about small pen!ses. The library said "I'm not sure if it's in yet" "Yup, that's the one" I replied

   I remember when the M in MTV stood for Music not Maternity.

   Yo guys. Ever see a really good looking pregnant woman, and think of how good the sex must have been?

   Remember when you'd be driving along and see a smashed cassette tape by the side of the road with the tape stretched out forever, flying on the breeze of every passing car? I miss those days.

   I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.

   It's okay to laugh during sex, just don't point.

   It took me 10 miles of driving and almost running a grandma off the road before I figured out how to change the clock in the car with 1 hand today. I felt victorious and did a fist pump.