Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll rather slip and fall in sh!t than fall in love with you!

   The 4 most popular words after sh!tty sex: “I cheated for this?”

   First Rule of Business: Stay the hell out of mine!

   Women with 50 pairs of $500 shoes but no 5-year plan will never be sexy.

   Dude, she just called you a Mexican... Oh hell no, hold my taco.

   My dad used to beat me with a camera. I still get flash backs.

   Girls, just because you're on your period doesn't mean your timeline needs to be too.

   Bro she just called you blind! OH HELL NO! Where is she?

   What's the difference between Princess Diana and Tiger Woods? Tiger Woods has a better driver.

   Full Disclosure: I get most of my jokes from a 13 year old Amish kid named Caleb.

   dude, she just called you gay. oh hell no!!! hold my purse!!!

   Watching Linda Barrett exit the pool for the 1363rd time...Doesn't anybody knock anymore!!!

   Stacy's Mom-The Music video that lead an entire generation into masturbation.

   My little brother just told me I looked stoned as hell. Which is a little weird, considering I don't have a little brother...

   A whole pot of and three Redbulls.....I can pronounce that symbol that Prince had for his name.

   air guitar for sale! Any offers?

   Of course I wanna go to my high school reunion! There's nothing I'd rather do than waste hundreds of dollars and precious vacation days, just to hang with a bunch of people I couldn't stand. And still can't.

   Dear IRS, Please cancel my subscription.

   Why do women feel the need to tell us men how to do our jobs?....I had a reason why I didn't pull out!

   I fell asleep last night with my TV on watching a Jersey Shore marathon and this morning my Toshiba died of AIDS