Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included.

   Putting a pin through all of my best friends condoms seemed like a good idea at the time. Backfired though when I found out my wife is pregnant.

   My wife and I are into S&M...... She sleeps, I masturbate.

   ‎2 + 2 = Fish. 3 + 3 = Eight. 7 + 7 = Triangle. LIKE if you get it!!!!

   Sometimes my girlfriend is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?" Why doesn't she just answer me?

   If you want to get in to a womens pants, get into her mind.....that's what she uses to figure out if you're getting into her pants or not.

   I feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did.*forever a vin *

   i feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did *forever a virgin*

   thinking...as the solar storm hits Earth, let's all sing a chorus of "Baby, It's Geomagnetically Charged Outside"

   My wife said earlier "Your p*nis reminds me of my old super soaker water gun."I said "Why, because its big, powerful and your favourite toy?""No" she replied."Because 6 or 7 pumps and it's all done."

   My wife wanted to talk to me about my constant immaturity, but she couldn't. She still doesn't know the password to my secret fort.

   My wife elizabeth wants me to take her out tonite to take her mind of her anorexia . . . . . I'm taking her to see thin lizzy

   I FINALLY GET THE END of the 6TH SENSE - those names are the people who worked on the film!!!!!

   Dudes be talking that "I fear nothing but god" b.s but let a loose pitbull start running down the street.

   My son informed me that he does NOT lie. He simply creates fiction with his mouth from time to time.

   I betshe gives great helmet.

   The guy in the toilet stall at the mall sounds like he might need a spotter.!!

   My Jewish friend said I used a word out of context but I hate arguing Semitics.

   When a fat person writes, "LMFAO"... I see "Laughing My FAT Ass Off"

   I wish the string on my weedeater had a Hollywood clip.