Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To pay for gas, I'm selling tickets that allow people to get lost in my eyes for 15 minutes.

   No matter what amazing things you accomplish or how fantastic you are, a cat will always think it is better than you.

   All's well that ends well. So, nothing's well.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   Sorry, strippers. When I want a woman to pretend she likes me I'll go visit my mom.

   1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

   why dont you SHUT THE F°©< up and play catch with a bear trap

   You say cannibal, I say people person.

   Whenever I read the phrase "We've changed our privacy policy," I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.

   Snooki pregnant! I bet the pro choice movement is having their best week ever!

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   Fun Fact: If you wear a shirt and tie into WalMart, people will ask for your autograph because they think you're the President.

   Calling "shotgun" is great way to lighten the mood when getting in the squad car after the cops arrest you.

   Most of us will spend part of our life having Larry King for a stepfather.

   Everyday, I brush my teeth & say "That's it. You can't squeeze anymore toothpaste out of this tube." Then everyday, I do.

   There was a spider in my bathtub so my wife got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.

   Once I get my paycheck I turn into Gollum from 'The Lord of the Rings'.

   I bet most braille on public signs says: "How did you know this was here?"

   I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

   I need a pity pity bang bang