Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can see it now... New season of Teen Mom special edition featuring snooki

   Thinking about taking a Carnival Cruise, but I can't decide which excursion to go on....... the one where the ship rolls over and you drown, and one where you get towed thru pirate infested waters, or the one where you get the bird flu. Fun, fun, fun

   those who want their child's birthday to fall on 12-12-12 this is the last week to make your efforts.

   Maury Povich just announced a special "baby's daddy" episode for Snookie..suddenly 284 men are doing a lot of subtraction!

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   Don't start a new day with yesterday's leftovers.

   My kids had to ride in the back today on the way to school. ..well the dog called shotgun.!!.

   I thought my sister was lying when she told me Davey Jones from the Monkees had died....................then I saw her face.

   A source says Snooki is pregnant and the Republican candidates suddenly switch their stance on abortion.

   You probably didn't know, but when you wear pajama pants in public WE CAN SEE YOU, IT AIN'T PRETTY!

   just thought of a good prank...if closterphobic friend passes out drunk & about to awaken slip a bag over their head 9with breathing holes) & watch the fun happen when they realize where they are

   Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"

   Scientists are baffled... Snooki, the tallest of the Oompa Loompa's, is pregnant! They didn't think anything human could possibly live in her!

   I wear glasses because I like to dramatically remove them to display anger. It was awkward doing that with contact lens...

   "Hey Andrew Breibart.... Wecome to the club!" - Vince Foster

   A bipolar police officer would be awesome at playing good cop, bad cop.

   Interesting that a lot of religions are anti-pork because bacon is the thing that makes me believe in God.

   If you ask for one of my fries, sure, I'll give you one. But don't think for a minute that I'm not FURIOUS about it.