Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The one reason I could never become a vegetarian....Bacon.

   Why do we feel safe under a blanket? It's not like a murderer will come thinking "I'm going to ki....Oh damn they're under a blanket!"

   Trying understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

   If we take away those long rods gas stations use to change their signs, gas prices will never go up again. YOU'RE WELCOME.

   Leap day AND hump day.. {insert clever remark here}

   If you took this pill and died, please call the retard lawgroup at 1-800-dead-duh

   I wanted to make a girl experience multiple climaxes, so I made her watch the last half hour of 'Star Wars Episode III.'

   Every person has a story to tell and that's why I stay home.

   I told my wife I'm not willing to help with the laundry but I am willing to draw nipples on her flesh colored bras so they'd be less creepy.

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   I called Poison control, but they said they couldn't make Every Rose Has Its Thorn stop playing on the radio. Worthless.

   If I've given you a card at your birthday party, know I bought it a half-hour ago and signed it on the dashboard of my car 5 minutes ago.

   My doctor just told me I'm a compulsive liar. Then she gave me a blow job in her office.

   Sign of the Apocolypse...Snooki is pregnant. Due 12/12

   Why do men talk dirty? So they can wash their mouths out with beer.

   "It's not you, it's me." Man I hate sorting out photos with my twin brother.

   Davy Jones died today? Didn't Jack Sparrow already kill him?

   Dear guys, A girl is like a doll. You can dress her, undress her, play her & use her... but remember, a REAL MAN doesn't play with dolls.

   the rumours you hear about me are all lies....i made them up so you wouldnt find out the true juicey stuff ive been upto :-P

   Would it be ironic if you died in the living room?