Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the ultimate test of being funny would be making a bailiff laugh out loud in a courtroom.

   I've often wondered, what do people in China call their good plates?

   To treat a patient in a coma, I believe that you could play an LMFAO song nearby and the patient would have to wake up to turn it off.

   When are they going to air the commercial where the recipient of a car in a giant ribbon says, “A LEXUS! We can't afford this, you idiot.”?

   "For every hostage you send out, I'll give you one hug." - lonely negotiator

   Look, I'm not saying the creators of yogi bear stole the idea but I am constantly bragging about how I'm smarter than the average bear. Coincidence??

   You do. And you know that you do. So Stop acting like you don't. Because you do.

   Wow....turns out I'm NOT a Ninja. That really hurt.

   new job...shoving pretzels up screaming m&m's asses..its a living

   heading out early to siphon gas from my neighbors......

   At your age we took spelling tests and not pregnancy tests.

   Say no to drugs and socks with sandals

   I gave up "Olympic Synchronized Swimming" for lent....This is gonna be tough!

   If Target sends you coupons for rope, garbage bags, and bleach, abort the mission. They know too much.

   "Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word

   Everytime I get gas I want to pull out an AR15 and take out a gas pump! ... There's your war on terror!!

   Sometimes, inappropriate thoughts pop into my head, then dive head first onto my keyboard without ever slowing down.

   I have just found out that yelling "I'm gonna scissor you!" at someone isn't as threatening as I first thought...

   Among words that sound dirty but aren't, I think "kumquat" is my favorite.

   I need to get a gun rack for the work truck to hold two things important in my life right now...job prints and my fishing pole.