Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish my dog owned stuff so I could pee on it and ruin it to show him how it feels.

   PSA: My patience today is about as thin as my oldest pair of panties. If you are stupid please stay away from me.

   As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".

   Just got back from Sam's Club - got a great new electric piano, 19 pack of BBQ lighters, and an impulse kayak - damn forgot milk!

   A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he's naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer

   Never trust someone that has 0 text messages in their phone.

   if 10% is good enough for God is should definitely be good enough for the IRS!

   Apparently, I can't say "Blak paint!" any more. I have to be PC and say, "Please paint that wall, Leroy."

   Tattoos are like cats. You get one, then you have to get another, then you get more and more until you have to get rid of them using lasers.

   When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's called lunar assault & it isn't funny

   I will never be brave enough to be a Navy Seal or one of those people who buy things supposedly edible in 99 Cent Only Stores

   If you ever find yourself driving through a neighborhood and you smell bologna cooking on the grill, keep driving.

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...

   My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

   I'm going to start putting girls in the friendzone.. See how they like it!

   why doesnt a car dealer run for office? they lie & cheat the ppl to get our money already

   asked my sister inlaw were is my nephew she says my brothers nutsack. lol

   Don't you just hate it when the person you're Facebook-stalking never updates anything.

   Getting back with an ex is pretty much like taking a shower and putting back on your dirty underwear.

   A bad picture of you, and your automatic response is… “Don't put that on Facebook!”