Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I like to take the bus instead of drive its because there aren't usually 9 hot mexicans in my car.

   I'm convinced. Some peoples' brains are still on dial-up.

   Will all the mourners outside Whitney Houston's home please form a line......it's what she would have wanted.

   I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

   Putting sandbags around my toilet in preparation for tomorrow.

   What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.

   If you were born in 1994 or earlier it's legal for me to see you naked.

   I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.

   If you ask me to take my shoes off when I enter your house, I will go above & beyond & strip full naked because I'm a terrific guest.

   I haven't had secks in so long, I've even forgotten how to spell it.

   How nice would it be if when you started rubbing yourself a genie came out, finished you off, cleaned you up & left a chocolate chip cookie.

   I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.

   brains are like modems....some people can think fast like they are high speed internet....some ppl are slow thinkers like they are dial-up....other ppl have lost connection

   I've been told I speak fluent sexual innuendo.

   wtf? the side effects of my script includes all my symptoms, how am I gonna know if its working?

   i alone am responsible for global warming...i bought a snow mobile this summer, it will never snow again

   Every cell in our body is replaced in 7 yrs; so, if you're married 7+ years, your spouse “isn't the person you married.”

   i'm thinking of becoming a gynecologist....i hear there's plenty of openings

   When I see insane people on the street talking to themselves I want to tell them about Twitter.

   Surround yourself only by people who are going to lift you higher!