Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   got 99 problems, and money is all of them

   Picking up someone at a bar when you're drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn't want.

   nothing says I love you like saying, "if I cant have you , no one can" and demanding a reply with a .38 special

   Every so often I like to stick my head out the window and look up and smile for a satellite picture.

   "OMG I got flowers and chocolate! I should take a picture of them and post it on my Facebook page so everyone can know I got flowers and chocolate!" - Some Silly ho on Facebook.

   jus saw a midget pushin a shopping cart.. every item they put in their basket was a slam dunk

   Sometimes, by holding on too tight, you end up losing what you were trying so hard to save. Soap, for example.

   bought some beef jerky, or as its commonly known..a shoe repair kit

   Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.

   Our Internet is down and I just shaved with a razor that had only *four* blades. It just got all Dark Ages up in here.

   You know you're an adult when you suddenly start taking Bert's side over Ernie's.

   If it wasn't for auto-tune Jennifer Lopez would be selling rugs and little Puerto Rican flags out of a van at the intersection by the mall.

   Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.

   Brandi from 'Storage Wars' has humongous jugs

   Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed....

   my car has hair growing out of the tires, is that ok??

   new project runway tonight, I think i'll settle in with a big flaming cup of gay and watch it

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   Nothing says "I'm carrying $3 and a Guitar Center receipt" like a wallet chain.

   GRAMMAR: The difference between knowing YOUR sh!t and knowing YOU'RE sh!t.