Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I owe my vibrator a Valentines Day card.

   and on a positive note today is Taco Tuesday!!

   got a call from Cupid asking me where I'd like him to fire his arrow on my date tonight! I said nowhere as I can't afford her to deflate!

   sending cards to random people today saying "I'm going to f*** you so bad"...They're not going to know if I'm horny of mafia type!

   That uneasy momen when your one night stand thinks otherwise and is anticipating you to change your relationship status.

   Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig... She hates it when I call her that.

   greeting all the Single People a very Happy Independence Day!!

   Roses are red violets are blue vodka cost less than dinner for 2!

   I think I owe my right hand a Valentines Day card!

   Roses are red. Rotting flesh is green. When the dead start to rise, I want you on my team!!!!

   Michael jackson died 1day before the BET AWARDS....Amy Whinehouse died 1day before the VMA'S and whitney houston died 1day before the GRAMMYs...so are we Expected to expect more pre award and post award deaths?!

   You should make her feel like everyday is Valentine's day : )

   roses are red, violets are blue, vodka is cheaper then dinner for two

   roses are red violets are blue.....and since I'm single my balls will be too

   Great! My girlfriend's period just came. My bloody Valentine.

   If we never covered up our genitals, they'd never smell. Happy Valentines Day!

   Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

   It doesn't matter what your conversation candy hearts say, as long as you remembered to soak them overnight in Rohypnol.

   3-way stops make me think that one of the stops doesn't really want to do it, but wants to make the others happy.

   The Perfect Plan: 1. Shoot boss with arrow. 2. Blame poor AT&T coverage for not calling 9-1-1 in time. 3. Tell police it was Cupid.