Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   imagine asking the incredible hulk to open a pickle jar?

   If you know I'm I the car and you continue to text me, you basically want me dead...

   I have decided this Valentines I am going to get prostitutes off the streets .... For an hour or so ..

   It was so cold this morning that I saw a girl with a flannel nose ring

   Oh, I'm so sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

   I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it

   Other than Whitney Houston...all the dates are wrong. Jackson was 50, JFK was 46 and Winehouse was 27..to make a joke..get the facts right..becomes funnier..Little thing called Google

   Why is Chris Brown's nickname Breezy? Shouldn't it be 'Bruisey' instead?

   I wish personal ads could be honest, like 'Toxic seeks Self-Loathing.'

   You should see the places I've been on my stationary bike

   I think its so cheesey when people get all mushy & lovey dovey with their facebook status... on another note~ my boyfriend is the best, he is cute, sweet, sexy, handsome, makes me laugh, has the sexiest voice, makes me smile everyday

   finally gave in and let my boyfriend shave me down there....my toes look soooo much better

   i whistle alot jus because it makes my lips look like a bunghole

   got myself a McPitBull today...now I can see if mcfoods or mcpets are more dangerous

   tough crowd..well thats all for today, drive safe, I'll be here all week

   won't be able to spend Valentine's Day with the love of his life who keeps him warm, cosy and protected!!! I'm sorry bed but I'll be cheating on you with that b^tçh mistress of mine I call work.

   all warm in my snuggie, well its really my bathrobe on backwards, but wtf

   at starbucks in my 'forever lazy' , starting to feel a little self conscious, people in line keep peeking in my ass flap, next time I'm wearing underwear

   "Macho Man" Randy Savage died at 58. Whitney Houston at 48. Corey Haim at 38. Heath Ledger at 28. How old is Justin Bieber again?

   What's 6 inches and won't get sucked this Valentines Day? Whitney's crack pipe.