Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   That "dammit" moment when you forget to take your phone to the toilet so you just sit there like "Now what do I do...?"

   The Windows Update reminder to restart your computer is like a little kid. You tell it that you'll restart later, so it goes away, then it pops up again in two minutes and says "Ok, it's later!".

   ♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound.

   If I sold underwear, they'd be pre-streaked for those poor dudes who feel embarrassed because they don't know how to wipe properly. My slogan? "We've got this s*** covered."

   I'm living proof that you should never give up hope. You may find this hard to believe, given my current level of sheer awesomeness, but I was once a pathetic loser like you. Be strong.

   so....I just found a bottle of 5-Hour Energy in the gutter.....there was still 18 minutes of energy in it....just the boost I needed....

   so....my aunt doesn't want me using the word "fingerblast" in her husband's eulogy....what's next, I can't use "bloodfart" either?

   so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....

   I have coughed so much this week I think I'm developing 6-pack abs.

   Who remembers the pager days!? 4283#2#4663#329

   gee, the world these days. Sincerely, US Navy Sailor

   My son came home from school and told my wife he has a part in the play. She asks, "What part is it? He says, "I play the part of the husband." My wife says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

   When I get old, I don't want people thinking, "what a sweet old lady..." I want them to worry, "I hope she's not armed..."

   This valentines I'm getting my gf a dozen marijuana plants,better then roses right.!!

   3 words, 8 letters, easy to say, hard to prove..."I'm a zebra."

   I'm going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn't enough

   Looked at the label and the "Muscle Milk" I'm drinking "contains no milk". Great. Next I'll probably find out it's not made of ground muscle.

   Every time I use a public bathroom, one thought occurs..."Seriously? This many people have Sharpies on them at all times?"

   If Facebook really wanted to entertain us, they'd make it a requirement for people to share their "mental status" in addition to each new status update.