Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Officer: anything you say will be held against you. Me: Big T!ts!

   how awsome would it be to get in a fight exactly how it happened in Michael Jackson's "Beat It" video!

   Happy Hump Day This Sincerely, Those of us who work Saturdays

   Renée Zellweger always looks like she's trying to find the image in a magic eye picture.

   Anti-Birth Control Christians should remember that when G0d said 'Be fruitful & multiply' there were only 2 ppl on Earth.

   The next person to cough near me is getting a spork to their eyeball.

   FOR SALE: P90X® home fitness kit, still in box, $50 or will trade for king size Snickers

   I've been a fan of Ron Paul since his voiceover work for Smucker's in the early '80s.

   ...it's ok that it's not movie quality!.

   I like a girl who is not ashamed to have her crotch sniffed by my dog.

   Just imagine how much play Red Box would get if it were pink.

   The death rattle is an unsettling noise. Not "Macy Gray" scary, but still...

   Dear HBO, thanks so much for the porn every night, sincerely, kids everywhere

   The Soul Train has been derailed....RIP....Don Cornelius....

   if love is blind, then letting go is like taking off the blindfold.

   "Stop flipping me off!" - Light Switch

   Hate it when people post complaints on Facebook. Those people are annoying.

   Things you don't wanna hear after saying "I love you" to someone .... "Thank you" ... "I know you do" ... "I think we should just be friends" ... "I'm married" ... "Who the hell are you? What are you doing in my bed? How the f*ck did you get in my house?!

   theres not many things funnier than a tranny in transition tryin to look all fancy with a crappy wig

   My mom still tells me not to talk to strangers. I'm 22 mom, I don't talk to strangers, I sleep with them.