Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This sign says "in case of fire, do not use elevator." haha! Seriously? Who would be dumb enough to try to put out a fire with an elevator.

   Dear FCC, We already know whats being shown and said behind those blurs and black rectangles. Sincerely Everybody

   stopped paying on a storage unit full of empty boxes marked grandmas secret stash..let the auctions begin

   "We can't see eye to eye all the time." -- Someone who wants to 69

   Once it has been crushed completely, you will find that your spirit is much easier to snort.

   FYI - It's really difficult writing a death threat while you're listening to Journey.

   -Thinking about the time I got head so good I drooled in her hair by mistake o.0

   walmart..where theres more skin tags than price tags

   so surprised I dont see more homeless people wearing bowling shoes..

   "Son, are you gay?" - No, i´m a princess.

   So far today I have gotten out of bed, washed and dressed myself and left the house. That's it. Must try harder.

   Ben Franklin started 1st Colonial Printing Press using Hemp paper. Not saying he smoked it. Lots of sober guys fly kites in Thunderstorms.

   Advertising has taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion.

   am I the only one after hitting my head when getting up, even though I know what I hit it on, I have to stare at it with a dirty look?

   Seriously, if you get turned on by watching a woman eat a banana, then you've had some pretty terrible blow jobs.

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   Well, this is my favorite time of year! Coming up this weekend...on Friday and Saturday before super bowl, they will have the BEST free samples at Costco.

   I'm like the reverse Michael Jackson. I always wanted to be black. I'm sexually attracted to adults, and I have no talent whatsoever.

   Science FAcT: If you tookkall the veins from your body and lay them end to end, you would die

   I dont know about you, but I think I'm perfectly ok that nobody ever pays me in gum.