Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kim Kardashian Wants To Experience Tebow Time?!?! No, Kimmy, Tebow cannot restore your virginity.

   I don't make typos, I make new words.

   Youtube isn't just popular because of the videos, its popular because of the attractive video TITLES.

   Hellooooo....It's 2012.....Where's my flying car already?....Helloooooo.....

   Funny how people seem to call when I'm away from my desk. It's probably because I walk away from my desk when the phone rings.

   Just been told I'm not sexist. Being sexist is wrong and being wrong is for women.

   Remember children; A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey Shore.

   This orange juice tastes weird without vodka.

   FACT: If you clip your cell phone to your belt, your chances of getting laid decreases by 97%.

   How come people that should never be allowed to reproduce have the most kids?

   If your camp counselor ever used the phrase "Whatever happens at camp, stays at camp", you we're probably molested.

   People who put the toilet paper roll facing in are the worst human beings.

   People who put a new roll of t.p. on top of a cardboard applicator are far worse...

   You know when the police arrive at your job at 9am on a Monday... Its going to be an interesting day.

   i got addicted to nicotine gum..now I smoke trying to kick the habbit...

   To some people iPhones are like a religion. They don't know how it works, but it gives them something to cling to, so their life has meaning.

   Experience is cruel ! It gives the test before the lesson !

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   There's a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.

   Contribute to my Kickstarter campaign! We're raising as much bacon as it takes for Carnie Wilson to finally reunite with Wilson Phillips.