Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know....spring must be just around the corner....I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater....who needs a dumbass groundhog?

   You win some, you lose some, and if your lucky, you get some.

   Freedom of choice....... I am Free and you are not my choice!

   If the house is a rockin', we are probably having an earthquake.

   I just thought of something. What happens if you become addicted to cold turkey?

   Oh so you're not a slut? What are you a volunteer prostitue or something?

   A good man will admit when hes wrong.. A really good man will change the subject... Without the other party even realizing it..

   Life is short, we only get to live it once, so live and love and give it all you got!!

   Your face is just fine, but you'll have to put a bag over that personality.

   Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll.

   Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money.

   you know you're getting old when the morning after pill is a percocet

   If being sarcastic burned calories, Id look like half of an Olsen Twin.

   Circles are straighter than Justin Bieber.

   I was editing my profile and couldnt figure whether to put masturbation under activites or interests.

   Women are such teases, turns out a "restraining order" has nothing to do with S&M.

   FACEBOOK FAQ WHAT ARE PROFILE PICTURES? A: What you want other people to think you look like. TAGGED PICTURES? A: What you actually look like.

   i don't wanna be a player no more, No pun intended.. .

   Boys - If you can't convince them, Confuse them. Girls : If you can't convince them, Unfriend them from Facebook and B!TCH about them. . .

   Whichever candidate promises to get rid of Nickelback and Justin Beiber has my vote.