Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can take the "trash" out of the trailer, but you can't take the "trailer" out of the trash.

   The dislikes for the above post...guess where THEY live?

   You know its tax season when people start posting pictures of their rent money

   whenever people ask me why I am putting on so much weight, I like to answer with,"Well, trying to grow brea$ts so I can get more likes on my status updates!"

   The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

   attended a fundraiser for a new women's shelter called "Tempura House"...apparently they work with Lightly battered women..

   im smart because I can play stupid to perfection

   I lost a friend overnight, It was very sudden. There must be a reason, but I can't for the life of me think what it might be. Now they're gone. Yesterday I had 583 friends, now only 582 I hope everyone reads this far before they say "sorry for your loss"

   What no one tells you about rock bottom is that it has a fantastic open bar.

   If you're going to be alive, you might as well be incredible.

   Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.

   When a woman is upset she only uses one word answers.

   Its amazing how many bad decisions can be justified or explained away by just saying, "I was drunk" or "I was in love"

   Closing all the internet windows by the time your boss gets to your desk is like getting the keys into the door before the killer gets you!

   Be glad you're not here to smell that one.

   You can tell some girls are sluts because you can smell it through their Facebook photos.

   Dating a psyho woman is like dropping the soap in jail. You wish you never made that mistake in the first place!

   older woman, into vampire storys about minors, and it's all "I'm team blah blah"... but when "I" bring home a vampire porn and pop it in on movie night..... suddenly "I'm the sicko"????

   It's 2012. How come some restaurants haven't figured out how to split checks? Nobody wants to take a math test after they eat.

   Some people say I'm too random for their liking. But who cares, bacon is amazing.