Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do women like men who are smart, goal oriented and have a sense of humor?? Because opposites attract!!

   there a Dr. in the house? Preferably a surgeon? I'll need one to remove my foot from my co-worker's ass in about 5 minutes.

   Sometimes I walk through the baby aisle at the grocery store as a reminder to always use a condom.

   I think HR just keeps me around to help them write their new hand book. Every time I get called there they say "oh I've got to write this down!"

   NO, you don't have “haters”. People just don't like you. Get over yourself.

   NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”  

   Sending a risky text & thinking.. “Oh god, they hate me,” if they don't respond within 30 seconds.

   People with a Bluetooth look like they're communicating with Douchebag Mission Control.

   I wonder who makes the sandwiches in a lesbian marriage?

   They call themselves political “parties” because they expect the working class to clean up the mess after they've had their fun.

   I have jury duty in the court of public opinion today.

   They should make a bubble bath that smells like diesel exhaust for us manly men.

   On a scale from 1-10, how much do you like the number 7?

   I just dipped my Kit Kat into peanut butter and now I know why dogs will bite you if you get too close to their food

   It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels

   We can bailout Big Banks, but we can save an American Iconic Twinkie factory from going out of business??? Priorities People!!!!

   Watch what you say to me today... because it will be recorded and played back for you tomorrow!

   If you ever need anything... call someone else first. If they aren't able to help you... then try calling someone else!

   accidentally ordered the Chewbaco at Jack in the Box…it's terrible I found a huge hair in my wookie taco.

   80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.